Tuesday, March 2, 2010

In Memoriam

One year ago today my mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly. Standing at her grave today was so much harder than the day we had to bury her. She is not buried in a graveyard but in a "Friedwald". This is a forest designated as a "graveyard". The urns are buried beneath trees. There is no cross or fancy decoration like in a graveyard. Just a little sign on the tree with the names of the people buried beneath it.

I miss her so very much. She was such a great cook and I regret not having written down all her secret recipes. My mother never had a lot of money but still she was very generous and gave us (my sister and myself) what ever she could. She loved my stitching and always complemented on my works. I miss not being able to call her and share with her. I miss going shopping with her. One of the worst things for me is that she never knew I found a new boyfriend. I never got around to telling her. Ever since she died I have been asking myself when was the last time I told her I loved her. Did I spent enough time with her? I am still so mad at the hospital because they didn't inform us about the deterioration of her condition. By the time they called me and I got to the hospital she was already dead. Cleaning out her apartment I felt like a grave robber. It was such a horrible experience.

Yet, for all my loss, I have not been able to really grieve. When she died, there was so much stuff to take care off. When things cooled down, I just couldn't bear the thought of her not being there anymore and I kept and still keep pushing the thought of her being gone out of my brain every time it creeps in there.

The Little Ship

I stood watching as the little ship sailed out to sea. The setting sun tinted the white sails with a golden light, and as she disappeared from sight a voice at my side whispered, "She is gone".

But the sea was a narrow one. On the farther shore a little band of friends had gathered to watch and wait in happy expectation. Suddenly they caught sight of the tiny sail and, at the very moment when my companion had whispered, "She is gone" a glad shout went up in joyous welcome, "Here she comes!"

Author Unknown

I firmly believe that she is with her boyfriend who died a couple of years before she did and that she is looking down on me. For me March will always be the saddest month of the year.

I miss you Mum!!!!!!


  1. Oooohhh, God .... the tears are in my eyes when I read this, what sad ...... I can not think of losing my ma!so I can believe that March is a very bad month for you! Lots of courage in this difficult time!
    HUGS Ingrid

  2. You know it is not the words we say that tells a loved one how much we care, but what we do, and from reading your post, I know your Mom knew how much she was loved. I just lost my Mom last December, and she wasn't just my beloved Mom but my best friend, so I know how you feel, hugs, BarbM

  3. I'll admin I don't usually comment on blogs but I just had to when I saw your sad post. I nearly lost my mother to unregcognized cancer. Thank god she was saved but I spend many nights crying just at the thought of never seeing her again - and I have tears in my eyes just now. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to be in your shoes. But like you I also believe she has joined people she loved before her death and is never really far from you. She knows about your boyfriend and I'm sure she's as sad at being parted from you as you are.

  4. Liebe Billie,
    ich hab schon des öfteren einen Kommentar auf deinen Post gestartet und dann immer wieder gelöscht. Was ich dir sagen möchte, sage ich dir lieber persönlich dann ..... aber nun hab ich einen Grund dir hier zu schreiben! Und ich hoffe es ist ein erfreulicher für dich .... schau einfach mal in mein Blog!

    Liebe Grüße

  5. Hi Billie, this is my first time visiting you, I look forward to reading more of your blog and have bookmarked it so I can return. Thank you for sharing about your mother, please accept my sympathy.

    Sweet Stitchin...

  6. Billie, es tut mir so leid ... auch ich finde schwer die richtigen Worte ... ich denke, sie wusste, dass du sie lieb hast, auch wenn du es vielleicht nicht gesagt hast ... ich denke, es wird ihr da oben gut gehen und sie würde nicht wollen, dass du um sie weinst ..

    Alles Liebe
    Sabine aus Ö

    PS: Freu mich schon auf Schlierbach!

  7. hi Billie, I am awfully sad reading that. I´ve got really tears in my eyes.
    But it is never too late! Go to the place where you buried her urn and tell her all the wonderful things you always missed to tell her! this is the way you can find peace with yourself! stay in contact with her, so you can start to grieve. it is very important for you.
    I wish you alle the best!